Tuesday, May 10, 2011

This probably won't make sense...I just need to get it off my chest.

Sometimes I wish I could just write these extraordinary blogs that will change people's lives forever, or at least mess with their brain, but it's not who I am.

Sometimes I really want to write music that will stir something new in someone's heart and mind, help them think or feel something they haven't before, but I don't think I will.

Sometimes I really want to be successful, I mean failures are welcome, but in mostly everything I do success and accomplishment. You know some people just have a gift for casting vision, and helping others buy into what they are doing, But I just don't and can't seem to do it.

Sometimes I really want to be very like-able. You know the person everyone wants to be around, the one who get's invited to many dinners, and parties, and events, but deep down inside if I were to ever be that person, I'd hate myself cause I'd end of being even more fake than I already am, and I can't really handle being someone I'm not.

Sometimes I wish I was more intelligent, be able to speak my mind clearly, and not stumble over my words, stutter and get nervous because I can't think straight when I am in front of people. I don't think I'll ever be good at that.

Sometimes I wish people would laugh with me more, because sometimes it's all I want to do, it helps me feel better, but I get afraid that if I laugh to much people will think I am to silly.

Sometimes I want to go back to college, just so I can say I an expert in something. But in all reality I get overwhelmed with finances and the ability to actually get through academically. Sometimes I want it more just to shut people up.

Sometimes I don't want to grow up because I like to see the world from a simpler perspective, trust everyone I meet, love them for who they are, and keep dreaming,
But then I get hurt, and I get discouraged, and then I don't want to give anything of myself anymore.

Sometimes I want to control everything in my life because if I do I feel like I can accomplish more on my own.

Sometimes when I see all the things I wanna be, and the things I want to try to accomplish, I realize how selfish I am and how fruitless this all is... I only want to be and do those things because I feel like I have something to prove...because there is so much I can do on my own, why not do them??
How foolish am I?
None of this will get me anywhere, none of this will make me happy. And life isn't about me getting what I want. My identity can never be found in those things.

I am weak, pathetic... I try so hard to find my identity in myself, and what I do :-(
But I know for certain I am loved by God.
Despite all the things I am and I am not,
this is what I can say,
that this is what I want despite all my "sometimes"...

John 15
I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you,that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.


Jesus, I will find myself IN YOU.


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