Monday, May 23, 2011

9 weeks and some odd days

These past two months have been very humbling for me. I've discovered more things about myself than I ever thought I would in an entire lifetime.
During the season of Lent, as I was preparing my heart for the resurrection of Jesus Christ with my church family, I went through a daily devotional, which started each day and ended each day with the same structure and prayers (different scriptures however each day). Every evening I would pray this line "Show me the truth about myself". Little did I know that it wouldn't just be a prayer that would be answered momentarily so I might be able to confess to Lord my need for him, but that simple prayer has become a means of shaping who I am daily...with almost every breath I breath now.
Everyday now I am faced with the truth, of myself, and the truth of God's love not just for myself, but every person I know and meet, and see.

At this moment I am ready to burst into tears at the thought of how much truth has been revealed in my life these past 9 weeks since Lent began, and now it's the Easter Season according to the church calendar, and only a week away from the Ascension Day, the day Jesus went to heaven, promising his Disciples that he will never leave them, and sending them out to do his work, and filling them with His Spirit, I find myself anxious, in a good way, awaiting this time of Pentecost.

I finally realize that I don't have everything figured out, and I really don't think I ever will. All I know is that I want to love people, the way God has loved me these past 9 weeks.
I went from denial, to doubt, to complete and total contemplation of apostasy!
I was Peter who denied Christ, I was disobedient Moses, I was Thomas who doubted and wanted proof, I was Judas who wanted money more than the bread of life, I was Jacob who wrestled with God. I was exactly who I didn't want to be, and never wanted to admit I would be, but in the midst of all my wreckage, sin, brokenness, Love came down and rescued me. God showed me mercy and grace, and continues to even more than ever because I finally realize how much he is all I need.

I am so grateful that I'm learning to die to myself and the person that I was, that Christ is emptying me out, so that there is room for him, room for his love so that I can share it with everyone I see.

I think I am beginning to understand what it means to die and rise in Christ. All I know is I am done talking about and dreaming of the person I wish I was, and I am so ready to live in the truth of who I am, who God has created me to be and the fullness of my identity in Jesus Christ.

I anticipate greatly the upcoming events in God's story! I'm reminded once again that I don't need to prove anything, just to love the hell out of everyone I meet as he increases and I decrease.

Thanks God for continuously showing me the truth about myself, it hurts only for a short while, but it's not so bad now that I know how much you love me.

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