Who am I?

I've had one of those weeks where I started out on a spiritual high and then just ended with a spiritual low, all though since the week isn't finished I can fortunately say that God in His mercy and kindness, pulled me out of my apathy by slapping me across the face with truth. And when truth comes to you, yes it sets you free, but sometimes it really really hurts.

On my way to drop Judah off at work, I was thinking ( I think a lot, too much actually)
My husband and I were talking about Christian theology and politics and my husband lovingly rebuked me in our conversation and told me I am arrogant and merciless, and he is so glad that I am not God.

I took what he said to heart, and started to pray silently.
"God my heart is so hard, I've been taking things into my own hands, please soften my heart, I don't want to push you out of the picture anymore this week."

So as I continued to pray that God would break my hard heart, which had hardened in just a matter of 4 days...4 DAYS!!!! But only 10 minutes later, God answers me.

After I dropped Judah off I turned on the radio and the BBC news came on.
Normally I don't listen, for some odd reason I was interested today.
And I now know why of course.

The top stories announced were coming to a close, when the final story was told.

A hip hop musician in Nigeria, convicted of murder by running over kids at his concert, was bailed out of court because he paid the penalty, a whopping 10,000 rand ($1,360; £900).
Nigeria is in an uproar because they felt he should not have been freed for his careless, evil behavior.

So that is it, he kills innocent kids, and pays for his crime, and is set free.
How wonderful it must be to be let off so easily.

I pulled into a parking spot, parked my car and wept bitterly.
I became enraged, because crimes committed can be overlooked if you have money?
And really $1,360 isn't really all that much, especially when it comes to human life... that says to me that no value is found in children, let alone human life.

In my anger and brokenness for these human lives taken for no apparent reason other than impatience I suppose (why would you run over kids after your own concert?) God began to do something else in my heart, because in the moment of hearing of this crime, all I wanted was justice to be served to this rap artist.


God revealed a few things to me.
1) Who the heck do I think I am.

2) I am constantly angry. And while I get pissed over stupid things, I really need to get angry over injustice so that I can passionately serve those who are suffering from it. But all in all anger is a sin, and sin separates me from God. So I confess my sin to God for being SOO angry all the time ( and I know that I am angry person because people keep pointing this out to me, and lovingly pray for me and encourage me love through Christ's redeeming grace.)

3) The moment that I ask Jesus to forgive me, I am forgiven and then ushered right back into the presence of God by Christ and then the Holy Spirit can continue to finish the good work that was once started in me (all though I am far from completion, way to far from it)

4) God asks me .. "Who do you think you are?"
God is so merciful, because he loves me though I am a sinner, and he not only loves me, he really does love all who come to true repentance, that is why he came, to rescue all who have sinned, everyone.

See even though that hip hop artist ran over those children in Nigeria and killed them, he is no more evil than I am.
I am just as wrong as he is, in fact I am worse because I know of God's love, mercy and grace because of the death and resurrection of Jesus.
I am a freaking huge hypocrite, who really is angry at everyone all the time, and shows no mercy and no grace to anyone. I am prideful, and I think I am better than everyone else. I am the same as a murderer, sinful and evil.

I am reading this book called Ancient-Future Worship and the author Bob Webber defines evil like this
" Evil is not a mere absence of good or moral failure. Evil is human refusal to carry out God's purposes. Evil is deliberate, intentional, and violent rejection of God. It is a choice to unfold culture away from God. It is life and work in the service of Satan--the anti-God--the father of all that is sin and death in the world."

So there it is, I am equal to everyone else in this world, sinful. There is nothing I can do to make myself right before God. The only means of rescue from my sin is through Christ, He does the saving, as soon as we repent and believe. And if God can rescue me from an evil, sinful heart, filled with pride, anger then how much more can he rescue a hip hop artist that bails his way out of the murder of innocent children?

You see the hip hop artist paid to get out of his sin with money, bailed and free to go.
I pay to get out of my sin by justifying my sin. I tell myself, just like the pharisees that I am so wonderful because of all the good things I do. But Jesus calls me a dirty dish (Luke 11:37-53).
Clean on the outside, but utterly disgusting on the inside.

But I really wonder what that guy must feel?
He has to feel something in his heart...who am I? I am not God I don't understand anyone, not even my own heart, so I could I know that other guy's soul?

my heart turns from hard, bitter angry, to weeping, to soft and open, and now I am asking myself this question...

Who am I?...
Jess Strantz, prideful, arrogant, merciless, angry and unloving, the same as a murderer.
Because in my hard heart, sinful and separate from God, I am nothing on my own but evil and disgusting, and no good deed on my own could ever bail myself out of the prison of sin and death.
But God calls us back into his love and kindness through Christ and the work of the Spirit.
He calls us out of darkness into his light.

Romans 6:6 Says, " And if they are saved by God's kindness, then it is not by their good works, for in that case, God's wonderful kindness would not be what it really is- free and undeserved."


You know what,
I am so thankful that God can break our hard hearts.
I am so thankful that He can forgive me for my evil, and sin.
I am so thankful that He can forgive that hip hop artist.
I am thankful that God can do anything he wishes to do which is always good, and always ends up being for his glory.

I don't want to hate people and be angry at them all the time.
I want to love people like God loves me.

I want to pray for those who don't know God's kindness, or Christ and his death and resurrection.

I want to show mercy, just like Jesus does.

I want to be ready to share all that Christ has done, so that all can know, repent and believe, and be bailed out of evil and sin, complete and whole and no longer broken, rescued and healed because of God's loving kindness.


So who am I?

Jess Strantz.
Sinful, but forgiven, Learning who God is, Learning to confess my need for Christ everyday, Learning to live through the Holy Spirit so I can be more like Jesus and share him with this very lost and dying world.


Salvation is here, and ready for all who confess and believe.