Facing myself.

Forgive me for this post, I feel as though I need to get a lot off my chest.
The biggest thing I am dealing with is my pride and idolatry, oh and Selfishness!!
I am so full of it, I am sick to my stomach, literally.
So I am just going to be open, honest, and it isn't going to be pretty, but I don't care, because well, things need to be said.

1. I am frustrated, with music, maybe I should just say, myself.
I know God has given me the ability to write songs. I write them every week.
I am happy that I am able to do this, it's wonderful, and I feel very close to God when He gives me something new, but it's what I am doing with my music. I have a band, it's great because for 8 years I prayed the Lord would provide good musicians to work with.
I have had my share of bands, and musicians, and stupid decisions on my part because I couldn't be patient in the past. Finally I gave up and then it all fell into place, Jess and Aaron came along.
Without me really asking.
They just appeared. They have been a blessing to me, and I feel that in the short while we have been together we have really become quite a team.
I feel though that I have become so puffed up with what we have that I feel we deserve better and more than we ought to.
So this makes shows very displeasing. We forget what this is all about.
No one really ever comes to shows. We feel as though we are wasting time and energy.
Who wants to play to a crowd of people who don't care.
It's frustrating.
We have become very stuck up, more so me, and I hate it.
I admit it.
I know my problem is that I see my music as my source of identity, and that I have to PROVE people that I am worth it to them.
It's wrong.
I don't deserve any one's ears, attention, love, adoration, nothing.
So with that,
We are taking a break from local shows.
There isn't any interest anyways, which I'm glad, because it's helping me to put in perspective what exactly is going on.
MY pride, and my idolatry of self.
I am praying for wisdom and direction, insight, because I don't want to chase after earthly things over my precious Jesus.
I don't want to take something good that God has given me to bless His name with and make it all about myself.

2. I am feeling very bitter about the holidays all of a sudden.
I am finding it hard to look back on the years before and see that others, including myself have moved on from certain relationships. And it hurts, because a part of me wishes something was still there, but it isn't.
I think the reason it is so hard is in the past I have always moved, and so when those relationships were over it was easy because I lived 1,000 miles away, at least I had an excuse.
Now I don't, I have no excuse with people who live 12 miles away from me.
I can tell that they don't want anything to do with me anymore, they avoid me at all cost, and so do I because I can't deal with the pain of knowing that what was once there is now gone, and there isn't any distance except for our cold hearts which make it seem as though they are in Africa, and I in Greenland.
I think here is just a pity party.
I admit it, I am selfish, and again, feel as though I deserve something more than I should.

GOSH, who they heck do I think I am???

haha, okay I have to laugh at myself because what I am seeing is just ridiculous.
Moving on.



Anyways.
So now that is off my chest.
I will just say a few more things really more to myself.

Get over yourself Jess!
It's not about you.



You know, I am so glad that Jesus forgives.
I am so glad that Jesus takes us and cleans us, when we are willing to let him do so.
I am SOOOO grateful that Jesus knows what it is like, to struggle with the same kind of feelings we all do.
That he walks with us, and he intercedes for us, and that he takes our silly ridiculous prayers and brings them to the Father, who loves us endlessly.
I thank Him for sending us the Holy Spirit, for sealing us, so that we can live in and through him to bring praise to His name.
I am glad that as we spend more time with him we become more like him.
I am glad that we can gain perspective through prayer, and his word.
I am so grateful, that he can fix us, as broken and messed up as we are.

So that we can't give ourselves credit.
It's just Jesus.


Jesus, take this ungrateful, selfish, prideful, idolater and
cleanse this heart.
Make it new, and grateful, because you are so very patient & merciful, understanding.
Remind me everyday just how amazing your grace is.
I don't want to have pity parties for myself I just want to move on and get in on what you are doing everywhere, everyday.
I want to love like you, I want to serve like you, I want to give my life to you.
Take it, it's yours.
Nothing on this earth is worth it to me, I just want you Jesus.
Thanks.
love you.
amen.