Yesterday afternoon, one of the students who plays guitar on the worship team, interviewed me as a musician for a school project he is doing for career center.
As soon as he started asking me questions I felt this feeling of incompetence rush over me.
I am just a kid myself, I just happened to start working at a music career at a young age. I wouldn't even say I have much of a career in it, but I am working towards one.
I felt completely unworthy to even be interviewed.
Yes I am a worship leader "intern". Yes I am a music teacher, Yes I am a songwriter, and I've been doing these things for about 8 years now, but I am still learning so much. I haven't had that much experience now that I think about it.
I felt completely humbled, because I realized just how much I don't know.
Yes I was able to answer his questions, but the thought of this kid thinking I am cool enough to interview, ah, I wish he knew how much of a loser I am. How I am really not that cool pursuing a career that isn't financially sustaining.
Sometimes when I think about the life I want to pursue I feel embarrassed.
Being a musician is a poor lifestyle...
It really can't support a family through it.
Yes I have hopes of making it big, but there is always that fear in me that says, " NO you probably won't."
And that is okay if I don't, but in the mean time I can't help but wonder if I am wasting my time.
I do have 2 other jobs to help make a living, but in the mean time because of them it's hard to pursue a life as a musician, especially on the road. I can't leave because I don't have money, and if I keep working I can't travel.
I don't want to give up on my dreams because they seem impossible.
I trust that God will take care of me and my family no matter what, but I do want to be responsible.
I didn't want to tell the kid that it really shouldn't be a career he should pursue.
It's so hard...
But when I get up on stage, and I tell my people my stories through music, when I share my heart, when I meet new people, when I see that my music has helped people I can't help but want to keep doing what I am doing.
When people like my music, when people connect with it, when life inspires me to write a song, when troubles, when fears, when hopes, when love invade my soul, I can't help but write, and I can't help but share.
I am to scared to talk to people, so I sing.
I know God made this way for a reason, and I am ever grateful.
I told this kid that he should never give up, no matter what anyone says to him.
If it's something you love, do it.
I told him also to be content, that is something that God is really teaching me.
I think I am learning to be content, I know things take time, and I know that this is just a season.
I love the work that I am doing now, I love working at the church, I love leading worship, I love working with students and I love playing shows on the weekends.
I am just anxious to play other states, and meet new people.
I know God will help me through all this.
I know that God will make me more like him.
I know that God has things planned for me that I can't even imagine, even if they don't have anything to do with music, I know they will be God.
For "He has plans to prosper me, not to harm me,... I shall seek him and find him when I seek with all my heart."
Even though being a musician doesn't make a lot of money,
the reward is seeing people's lives changed through what God has done in my life.
If that is all I am suppose to do, is continue to share my heart, to bring glory to God, to give what God has given me and never expect anything in return, then I think I am heading down the right path.
Let everything I do bring glory to His name, not to mine.
Let everything I do bring others to Him.
Christ gave his everything and expects nothing in return but Glory to his Father.
I pray that through all my feelings of unworthiness, and incompetence, through my fears and my doubts, hopes and dreams... that Christ would give me strength to keep pursuing a life that doesn't expect anything in return, but Glory to him.
So that others may see, and know him more.
TO be changed.
I am going to end with a prayer that is by Saint Patrick.
"Christ be with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me, Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me, Christ on my right, Christ on my left, Christ where I lie, Christ where I sit, Christ where I arise.
Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of every one who speaks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.
Salvation is of the Lord.
Salvation is of the Lord.
Salvation is of the Christ.
May your salvation Lord, be ever with us.
AMEN. "
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